Harry's Very Rebellious Year
by NoNewsIsGoodNews
Summary: Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts. A silly parody of how it would look like if Harry was, as he would call it, "fabulous". Chapter five includes a very disappointed Harry Potter. How will he ever not fail.
1. The perks of being a Potter

**Harry's Very Rebellious Year**

Hogwarts. A place where everyone felt safe. No Voldemort bursting through breakdancing whilst he did so - not only would it look really stupid - but the point being that Hogwarts was indeed _that _safe.

Harry hated it.

While he did spend an awful amount of time practising Quidditch instead of _worrying about the fact that he someday might be brutally murdered, _he wanted to show everyone just how much he disagreed with the safeness in Hogwarts. By being "rebellious". It all started out after Harry's detention with Umbridge. It literally left a deep scar. He didn't find "I must not tell lies" as a punishment, he only saw it as a very cool tattoo.

One time Harry, Ron and Hermione sat quietly in the Common Room. They didn't need words to communicate, they just knew that their bonding was so strong that nothing could be said other than staring into the mesmerizing fireplace….

But then again maybe not.

"Oh my God, Harry!" Hermione screamed as she saw Harry's hand.

"I know. Now I don't even need to pay for a fucking tattoo!" Harry beamed, patting Hermione on the head in a demeaning way because he's _Harry freaking Potter_, which in turn left a deeper scar on his cheek.

"Blimey mate, you have to tell Dumbledore about this. The toad needs to go", Ron added, now feeling slightly self-conscious about the way Harry was looking at him.

"Gingerhead, can't you see me and Hermione are about to connect on a **deeper** level?"

Both Ron and Hermione gasped. Ron did because Gingerhead sounded stupid coming from the mouth of a Scarhead, and Hermione did because she'd never ever connect with Harry on any level. Besides, his flirty look (attempting to raise one eyebrow, smirking like a madman and looking like he had implants in his cheeks) reminded her of a person with Down's Syndrom. That person will remain anyonymous.

Let's just call that person Neville.

"But we need to go _deeper_", Harry laughed sweetly, or rather _attempting _to, and moved closer to Hermione on the couch.

Hermione scoothed farther away from him, landed on the floor, and ended up in the Girl's common room. All in two seconds.

"I didn't know you could Apparate in Hogwarts", Ron said bewildered, "At least that's what you told me, Hermione!"

"I didn't! I just wanted to get the hell away from Harry!" Hermione called back. Two seconds later you could hear her snoring.

Ron and Harry were the only ones left in the room now. Feeling extremely awkward and nervous about his best friend's behaviour, Ron dramatically rubbed his eyes, said good night, and then went to bed.

Harry sat there for a while, looking in awe at his new "tattoo" and decided that yes, another detention with Umbridge would only make him look hotter.

"Bitch, I'm fabulous!" Harry exclaimed to no one before stagediving onto the floor.

_**A/N:**__** This is an incredibly stupid story, I know! I think I will make a few more chapters since this was so much fun to write.**_

_**Please leave a review!**_

_**-**_**NoNewsIsGoodNews**


	2. I set fire to the Headmaster

**Harry's Very Rebellious Year**

The Great Hall.

A place for everyone to talk and laugh, and of course, share a meal together.

Make that three meals since Dumbledore can make any food appear out of nowhere. Because he's magical and is a damn good wizard. No wonder he is such a great asset to Hogwarts.

But what if somebody wanted Dumbledore out of the picture?

Harry Potter stood in line to the Great Hall with his friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. And not even his friends could detect the evil grin on Harry's face.

"I wonder what's for dinner", Ron said excitedly, looking eagerly at the door with hungry eyes.

Harry wanted Ron so badly to trip on a chicken wing and die on his way to the Great Hall, and that would look comical since that was Ron's favourite food.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH", Harry laughed _discreetly _at the thought. Hermione's ears started to bleed. So did Ginny's, Dean's, and Seamus' who stood in line with them. Also Neville.

"So, um", Hermione started as Ron wiped some of the blood off, "I wonder where Dumbledore is. I haven't seen him today".

"Me neither", said Ron.

"I haven't seen him in two days, come to think of it!"

"Hm, I wonder where he could be…"

As the friends pondered the thought of why Dumbledore was absent, Harry sniggered to himself and went to the Courtyard. In the Courtyard he, oddly enough, pulled out his cell phone out of his robe pocket. Since Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry is indeed a school of magic, cell phones or any technology whatsoever aren't allowed. But then again, it's Harry freaking Potter so he can do whatever he wants.

* * *

"Bitch, I'm fabulous!" Harry exclaimed to no one as he turned his cell phone on.

As the screen came to life, you could hear a very faint "help me!"

"Whatcha gonna do now, old Dumbecorps?" Harry chuckled as he saw Dumbledore trying to scratch his way out of the cell phone.

"Harry, let me out of here. This isn't like you!", Dumbledore's voice vibrated through the cell phone.

Harry sneered. He'd learned that from Malfoy.

"You know what I want for dinner, Dumbledore, and it's something that you've bloody ignored every single year I've been here!"

"But Harry, McDonald's isn't good for you!"

Harry threw the cell phone on the ground and stomped on it repeatedly. He then Incendio'd it and watched it burn.

He'd learned that from Snape.

_**A/N:**_** This was so bad, but I just couldn't resist!**

**Also, I know this chapter was short, but I honestly was so tired when I wrote this that I just left it like this.**

**Please leave a review! I'd love to hear suggestions on what Harry should do next.**

**-** NoNewsIsGoodNews


	3. Innocence there is none

**Harry's Very Rebellious Year**

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Harry Potter.**

* * *

Potions. A class where the Gryffindors are bullied and the Slytherins are worshipped. This can be blamed on the teacher, and the teacher in question is the greasy - yet somehow sexy - Severus Snape.

And what does one do to prevent the poor Gryffindors from being bullied?

"The name's Potter. Harry James Potter."

Everyone in the classroom fell silent as Harry uttered those words. Hermione looked at him with wide eyes.

"Did you just… make a James Bond reference?" She looked nauseated.

"What's a James Bond?" Some idiot asked (Neville).

Harry removed his glasses and smiled sweetly at Hermione. Somehow he failed and ended up drooling. Let's just blame it on the hormones.

Snape cleared his throat and slammed a crapload of books on the table.

"Potter! I will not have you taking over this classroom like your idiot father took over my one and only love! 43 000 points from Gryffindor!"

Harry stood up, and with one hand he flung the table over and walked to Snape in two long strides, and slapped the living daylights out of him.

(This event only happened in Harry's head).

Due to Harry's weak arms, he overbalanced and fell backwards, somehow crashing into a very large cauldron, thus making the cauldron spill its contents over Neville.

"OOW, FU-"

"Shut up, Neville!" Everyone yelled. They were all interested in what Harry was going to do, not really giving a flying Hippogriff about the way Neville's nostrils had turned into peas.

Snape crossed his arms as Harry approached him. The Gryffindors looked at them with bated breath. Was Harry finally going to defend his house? Was he going to tell Snape how much he hated him? Was he going to prove himself a worthy Gryffindor?

Harry whispered something in Snape's ear. After a minute of silence had passed, Snape nodded.

The Gryffindors squealed in excitement. Never had they witnessed such a thing – Snape had nodded! This could only bode well. Meanwhile, on the other side of the classroom, the Slytherins sneered.

"Yes, Potter. But just this once."

Harry turned to his fellow Gryffindors and threw his arms up in the air.

"Bitch, I'm fabulous!" he exclaimed as he kicked Neville out of his way. He did not fancy hugging low life creatures.

"Harry, what did you ask him?" Ron asked as all the Gryffindors gathered around Harry.

"I asked him if there was anything I could do to get those 43 000 points back. I know how much they mean to all of you", Harry smiled.

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione said tearfully, hugging her best friend. Ron and the others patted him on the back encouragingly.

The Slytherins sneered. The only thing they seemed to be good at.

As Hermione drew back from Harry, Snape approached Harry from behind.

"So, Potter. Ready for me?"

The Gryffindors looked quite panic stricken. Ron threw up in the nearest bin.

* * *

**A/N: ****Yup, going to end this chapter right here. I'm sure all of you understood what Snape and Harry were about to do… in private ;)**

**I'm sorry if this chapter was crappy. It's almost 2 AM and I'm kinda drowsy.**

**Reviews make me want to be a better person!**

-NoNewsIsGoodNews


	4. Lessons Gone Wrong

**Harry's Very Rebellious Year**

**A/N: ****Another chapter for ya! Don't really know how many I'll write, to be honest, but I don't feel like stopping now. **

**Also, 10 000 points for the first person who spots the "grammar" mistake I made. It's repeated twice in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Harry Potter.**

* * *

The Room of Requirement. A secret place for the DA members to learn and practice useful spells. If someone were to find out about such illegal activities, there would be a lot of spanking involved. I mean… detentions.

"Everyone, get your asses in here!" Harry yelled and turned dramatically where he stood.

"But we're already here. We've been waiting for you for the last ten minutes, you've been staring into the opposit wall since we got in here!" Dean Thomas replied.

Harry's nostrils flared.

"Well yeah… your momma!"

Everybody sighed. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"What are you gonna teach us today, Harry?" Ron asked as he and the other members sat down on the small cushions decorating the floor. Meanwhile, Harry sat down on Neville's back.

"I was thinking…" Harry began, a small grin plastered on his face.

Everyone eagerly leaned forward.

"…Of?"

"Harry, would you hurry up? My back's really hurting and I'm afraid I'll break something", Neville said, tears welling up in his eyes. Sadly, the peas in his nostrils had not yet disppeared. It seemed as though they grew bigger every day. Alas, that is the life of a Longbottom. Such things are always expected.

Harry jumped off of Neville's back and ripped his own shirt off.

"BREAKDANCING!"

Hermione and Ron facepalmed into eachother's arms. Fread and George looked rather unamused for once. Dean rolled his eyes. Seamus cracked his knuckles. Ginny looked at Harry adoringly. The others just stared. And Neville's spine never looked the same.

"Siriusly, who decided to have this doofus teach us?" someone in the farthest back called.

Harry threw a banana at them.

* * *

After 50 minutes of sweating and "breakdancing" – rolling on the floor with spasmic movements - everyone agreed to have a small break. Except Harry. He had another plan in mind…

"Harry, where are you going?" Ginny asked as Harry pulled out his cellphone.

"I'm just… going to make this phonecall. Be right back, ehehehe…"

And just like that, he disappeared. Not really though, he had thrown himself on the ground thinking no one would notice him. Alas, he's not that bright.

Harry left the Room of Requirement in a hurry and leaned against a wall not too far away.

He flicked his cellphone on and dialed a number.

"Dolly? About that tattoo we were talking about earlier, could you make it now? Detention is hours away."

Meanwhile in the Room of Requirement, the DA members had gotten themselves into a heated argument.

"Face it, we can't have him teaching us! He's only playing around and not taking anything siriusly!" Seamus yelled. Dean nodded in agreement.

"Yeah! We need someone who _wants _to corrupt Umbridge and not be on her side. Also, I'm black so I really don't need this lesson in breakdancing", Dean added confidently.

"We can't trust him!"

Hermione shook her head. "He's the only one with the power to vanquish You-Know-Who. I'm sure he'll teach us some useful spells next lesson, but right now I think he wants to have some fun. Let him be the boy he never was allowed to be when he was a child. Have faith in him."

Seamus sighed heavily.

"You're right, I s'pose."

Hermione smiled and clapped her fingers together.

"Great! Now, where is he?"

The door slammed open with bang, and in entered Harry.

"I'm back, bitches!"

He wasn't alone though. Dolores Umbridge and co. were behind Harry, sneering their faces off..

If glances could kill, Harry would've been dead 53 000 times over.

Seamus turned to Hermione.

"Yep, never trusting you again."

* * *

**A/N: ****Review or Neville's peas will haunt you forever! **


	5. Gettin' some lovegood

**Harry's Very Rebellious Year**

CHAPTER 5: Gettin' some lovegood

**A/N: ****Dear readers, I'm sure you'll be surprised when reading this chapter. It contains LOVE. Love in every single form, and although you may not remember Harry and Luna flirting in the books and movies, and although I don't own Harry Potter, you will most likely weep during this chapter. Guys, it's the most romantic story ever written.**

**That is all.**

* * *

Harry Freaking Potter had been sitting by Hagrid's hut by himsef all afternoon. There was something bothering him, and for once it was not Voldemort related since he didn't scratch his scar. Besides, Harry always got pimples when touching his face.

He did not want pimples. He wanted smooth skin like Luna Lovegood.

"HI, HARRY."

Surprised by a high pitched noise, Harry jumped up and drew a ninja blade out of his robes.

"WHO SPEAKS?"

Luna Lovegood shook her head at him. "It's me! The woman of your dreams."

"What."

"What what."

Harry tucked his ninja blade away. You never know when it may come in handy, especially when you have a Dark Lord after you. And a Neville.

There was an awkward silence. Luna shuffled her feet and looked up at Harry, her eyes ever so big and full of wonder. Harry did a doubletake and fell over.

* * *

_15 awkward minutes later_

Harry was still grasping his leg, "owing" the entire time. It looked as though it was broken, but then again Harry liked to be the center of attention so he might as well have been a drama queen.

"I'm hurting! Don't just stand there woman, do something about this", he gestured at his leg, "I need some relief."

Luna blinked approiximately 148 times before answering, "But Harry, you're not even bleeding or anything. Your leg's not even broken."

Harry sighed dramatically and flapped his arms around, like a bird. A very ungracious bird.

"Nooo, that's not what I meant. You know… I need some relief."

"You need bandages?" Luna sat down on the ground next to Harry.

"I need some relief… down… there." Harry said shyly, batting his eyelashes at Luna.

Luna's eyes looked like they were ready to pop at any moment. Harry raised his shield up to his face, just in case.

Shockingly, Luna lowered her head towards his you-know-what (pineapple? Flower? Pizza? Figure that one out) and her breath on him made Harry shudder all over.

* * *

"Harry, wake up!"

A slap on Harry's cheek made him bang his knee against a nearby table. He'd drooled most of his homework down he'd noticed, for all the papers were rather wet and sticky. Sticky…

Harry turned around like a lightning bolt. Ron and Hermione stood next to eachother, so he deduced it was them who had woken him up and given him a bruised cheek. Also, there was no one else in the Common Room.

"WHERE IS LUNA?" Harry cried, flipping the table over looking for her.

"You've been dreaming, mate!" Ron sighed, sitting down and pulling Hermione next to him on the couch.

"We've been trying to wake you up for the last half hour", Hermione added, looking rather amused as Harry searched the fireplace for Luna.

Seconds later, Harry emerged from the fireplace, looking slightly black, dirty and not to mention, drooly.

"BUT SHE WAS SUPPOUSED TO GIVE ME A BLOW-"

Ron covered Hermione's ears.

"-JOB! FUCKING HELL, WHY DO I FAIL AT LIFE!" Harry cried, banging his head against the wall.

Ron removed his hands from Hermione's ears.

"Thank god, for a moment there I thought I was deaf." Hermione smiled.

"Just me", Ron smiled back at her.

Harry flopped down on the couch, desperately trying to cockblock Ron with all his might. Alas, Ron and Hermione were going at it like rabid Hippogriffs. Harry gave them the finger.

"Fine! Then I s'pose I have to take care of this myself!" He yelled as he removed his pants. Harry sobbed as he noticed no one took no notice of him, so with his head down in defeat, he made his way to the Boy's Dormitory.

At least he was skilled with his wand, unlike Ron, Harry thought.

**A/N: ****Aw, poor Harry. He just never can catch a break, that boy.**

**Just wanted to say thank you for the reviews, I appreciate them tremedously!**

-** NoNewsIsGoodNews**


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